KKING KKAT REMINICING FINAL PART

Well my faithful blog followers, this is it. Well at least for a while, this is it. Unfortunately, after today I will not be able to continue writing this blog, as things that determine my destiny, are about to change forever.

It was a little after 9AM when Fred and I wandered over to number 26 to speak with Moses who we hoped would have some news on how Walter was doing. We hadn’t been in his garden for more than 5 minutes when he came out through the dog flap that his owner had built into the back door and after a quick squirt on the winter pansies, came across to where we were standing.

After he had given Fred a friendly lick, he said to me, “I saw Walter at the vets yesterday. He has a couple of broken bones and has to wear a cast on his rear left leg. Also the bruising to his ribs means that he is heavily strapped around his body with a big white bandage. I was able to spend a couple of minutes talking to him whilst my owner was settling my vet bill and Walter recons he will be in for another couple of days until the vet thinks he can risk sending him home. He said that the vet told his owner that the leg had suffered a very nasty break and he is lucky that he didn’t have to have him put down. However, the vet said that even though Walter would always walk with a slight limp, he should be able to lead a near normal life. Walter said that if Gladys Rowe could live a normal life running around on three legs, then he would have no trouble adjusting to the limp with four. They just don’t make cats like Walter anymore. He is and always will be, the salt of the earth in my eyes.

We were still standing talking when Bubbles Bracey came around the corner. Moses smiled as she came closer and said, “Here she comes; the light of my life. I promised to take her look around the place where I grew up. Bubbles thinks that reminiscing things like that is good for the soul. However, just having her around me is enough for my soul”.

After bubbles had finished licking Fred half to death, we left them to make our way back home; a trip that in hindsight we would never make again.

When we went in through the cat flap, the noise emanating from the living room left me in no doubt that George was celebrating something with his mate Joules. I said to Fred that I thought that this was unusual; because, it wasn’t Saturday and both of them were already well into the plonk. Something was not as it should be; so I told Fred to stay in his basket and I would go and try to find out what was going on. Sneaking into the living room unseen by either of them, I disappeared behind one of the chairs.

In between swigs from a Heineken beer bottle, George was saying that even though he didn’t give a monkey’s hind leg about the welfare of cats; he hoped that Joules would not ill treat the little kitten.

I froze. So that was what this was all about. George was going to give my son away to an illiterate half-wit that was not even capable of looking after himself, let alone a kitten. However the really bad news was that Joules lived miles away, which would mean that I was going to lose contact with little Fred forever. Then my eyes fell on the cardboard box with the crude holes punched into the sides. A quick peep inside confirmed my worst fears. The bottom of the box had been lined with scrunched up newspapers; handy if the occupant was unable to hold himself during the long trip. This must mean that Joules intended taking Fred today.

I hurried back into the kitchen and told Fred to get himself ready; because we were going on a journey and we would be leaving within in the next few minutes.

Whilst Fred began finishing off what was left of the food in his bowl, I sneaked upstairs and nosing my way into George’s bedroom, I jumped up on the bed and gave both of his pillows a liberal squirting of my extremely potent perfume.

Satisfied that I had left him something to remember me by, I came back downstairs to find Fred standing in the kitchen looking very worried. “Come on”, I said urgently, “Lets be on our way, I don’t trust George; so the sooner we are out of this house, the better.

Once outside, I told Fred to call out loudly for his mum. His call was answered almost immediately and Persian Patsy came tearing around the corner followed closely by Durdanah. I explained what had happened and why we were leaving in such a hurry. Patsy was mortified and was unable to hold back her emotion. I told her that we would spend the rest of the day over at Liz Rowe’s house; therefore, if she and Durdanah could get over there, I would have more time to explain.

Leaving the two girls weeping, we set off down the road to Lizzie’s were we would spend the rest of the day with Gladys and my other daughters and hopefully Patsy and Durdanah; because it was important that someone was able to tell Moses, Bubbles and Walter what had happened and why we had to leave.

For the first night we would sleep in the garden shed, which kind-hearted Lizzy always left open in case some poor creature needed somewhere safe to shelter from the weather. Then after a good night’s sleep, we would be up and on our way.

I had no idea where we would be going, or what we would be doing. We were going into the great unknown and would have to live the life of a Feral, until; hopefully, we might manage to find someone who would be kind enough to take us in. After today we would be living off the land; going back to nature, where only the fittest could hope to survive. However, watching little Fred as we purposely trotted along the road, I knew in my heart that we would survive. As Arnie Schwarzenegger famously says when the odds become insurmountable and he has to leave; “I’ll be back”.

Until the next time

Kking Kkat and Fred.

KKING KKAT REMINICING PART 21

The two big Ginger Tom’s ignored little Fred’s defiant stand and were preparing to move against me, when, without any warning, around the corner house and travelling at the speed of light, little three legged Gladys Rowe charged into the first of the big cats, head butting him in his ribs and bowling him over. Before he could recover, Moses arrived like the Black Zando and followed closely by Bubbles Bracey, pounced on the other ginger, inflicting some seriously heavy puncture wounds into its body.

The fight if it could be called a fight was over almost as soon as it had begun with both of the Ginger Toms lying in pain on the grass and I had not even had to lift a paw. However, the one thing that will stay with me forever, was watching my son as he sprayed both of them, just as they were reviving from their ordeal. Then to make sure that they both got the message, I too gave them both a liberal squirting; mine with much more of a pungent flavour than little Fred’s.

“So you came back, even after being defeated, you came back”, I said walking up and down in front of them with my tail sticking up in a clear show of defiance. However, neither of the big ginger cats was interested in what I was saying, as they stared in disbelief at the shear size and aggressive power of Moses, who with a little help from his girlfriend Bubbles, was busily cleaning himself. After a couple of moments, Moses stood up, bared his fangs and towering over the two Ginger Toms, said in his deep guttural voice, “If you two are still here in one minute from now, I will skin you alive and use what is left of your fur to make me a couple of pairs of paw warmers”.

Even with the battering they had just suffered, both Ginger Tom’s were up and gone, not even bothering to look back and I was sure from the terrified look on their faces, that they would not be returning to our street ever again.

When I turned around, Fred was trying his best to ward off the attention being heaped upon him by the girls, who seemed unable to stop themselves from giving him lick after lick of affection. After all, he had shown tremendous courage in facing down those two big cats; no mean feat when you are only a little kitten.

When all was back to normal, I asked Moses how he knew that the renegade Toms had returned. He said that because Gladys and Bubbles couldn’t stop gassing after we had left; the three of them were still standing in the street, when Moses clearly heard little Fred’s defiant call to the two ginger cats. Her told the girls that something was wrong at our place and was going to find out what the problem was. He set off at a fast pace in the direction of our house, only to be overtaken by little Gladys, who with a determined look on her face, was running faster than a hare with a hound on her heels.

After I finished thanking everyone for their show of solidarity, Moses and the two girls left, leaving me standing talking to Fred, when Patsy and Durdanah came into the garden. As soon as he saw them, Fred called out “Mum” and bounded over to her, where she immediately began licking him as if he had just come up from a coal mine. Durdanah rushed over to me and gave my nose a really long rub and then asked me what all the commotion was about. After I had finished explaining about Fred’s defiant stand against the two big ginger cats, she smiled and said “Just like his dad; a real chip off the old block, then ran over to him and gave him a playful dig in the ribs with her paw. Fred responded by chasing her round and round the garden, whilst I went across to Patsy and gave her nose a couple of big rubs.

The kids were still chasing each other, when I asked Patsy how she was feeling and if she missed the other girls. She said that having Durdanah close by was a plus, but losing the others had been a hard pill to swallow. Then she smiled and said that she was going round to see them as soon as she could get Durdanah to calm down, as Liz and Zoe had now let the kittens out to play in the garden. I told her that I too would get over and see them if the weather stayed fine tomorrow: because, unlike old dragon face, Liz and Zoe would not be throwing water over me for being in their garden

KKING KKAT REMINICING PART 20

I was feeling enormously relieved as we walked away from the scene of the failed attempt at kidnapping little Fred. This had been such a close run thing and if it had not turned out the way that it did, I could easily have lost my son forever; a prospect that I did not even want to consider. Watching him staring at me with that look of adoration on his young face was heart rendering, as we walked silently along the street in the direction of our house. I knew that he was now feeling safe and for me, I was feeling so proud of Walter, a true friend who had taken such an enormous risk in order to save my son. This was definitely not a perfect world we were sharing with some members of the human race and I realised that I would have to be more vigilant when I took Fred anywhere; at least until he was able to take care of himself.

The woman, who had stolen him, probably thought that Fred would make a nice little present to give to someone, because he looked so cute and innocent and didn’t even think of how much pain and suffering that would have caused Persian Patsy and me. Some humans simply do not understand how animals think. Anyway the smell from my squirts would have definitely ruined her day and maybe she might now think twice about doing such a thing again; because there was no doubt about the frightened look on her face when I gave her the evil stare, before spraying her trapped leg and following it up with the double blast on her groceries.

When we turned the corner several of our street friends came over to see us, all asking what had happened. When I finished telling them what Walter had done, little Gladys began to sob at the thought that poor old Walter might not be coming back. I tried to explain that I had spoken to him just after the accident had happened and although he was in terrible pain at the time, he said that he was sure that a short spell in the vets would soon see him up and running once more. This seemed to please Gladys and we all knew that Walter’s owner was quite well off financially and as such would spend as much money as was needed in getting him better, rather than have him put to sleep.

We were still catching up with the gossip when Moses arrived accompanied by Bubbles Bracey. These two had hit it off right from the very start and it was now unusual to find one out without the other one being somewhere close by. Bubbles immediately came across to comfort the weeping Gladys, whilst I brought Moses up to-date on what had happened with Walter and the kidnapper. After I had finished he said that when he was a kitten, someone had tried to steal him and it was only because of the quick reactions of their next-door neighbour who had spotted the thief that he hadn’t ended up with different owners. Then he said that as he was due for his annual check up, he would be going to the vet’s the following day; therefore he would see how Walter was doing.

Fifteen minutes later everyone went their separate ways and Fred and I trundled off home. We had just wandered into our garden when I stopped dead, with the hairs on the scruff of my neck standing on end. Blocking my path was the big Ginger Tom I had fought such a hard battle with and standing next to him was another ginger cat who could well have been his big brother. This was a nightmare scenario; how was I going to fight off two of them and protect my son at the same time.

The big ginger was first to speak and said that I should get myself prepared for the next life; because by the time he and his brother had finished with me that was where I was going to be. Poor little Fred just stood staring wide eyed at these two gorillas, unsure of what to do. Then without any prompting from me, he moved in front of me and facing the two big cats, meowed as loud as his little voice would carry.

That was a very proud moment for me to see this little kitten, barely out of the womb, facing up to the two aggressors in such a fearless manner; however, even though his little show of defiance mentally spurred me on to greater heights, I had still not figured how I was going to get us out of this mess.

KKING KKAT REMINICING PART 19

I had been running around in circles trying to find any sign of the woman who had stolen my son and was beginning to think how hopeless this situation was becoming, when my ears suddenly picked up a very faint meow. It was Fred calling for me. Using a very special radar that only cats, dogs and a few other animals have, I tuned my antenna to find out where the cry was coming from, whilst silently willing my little boy to keep on calling for me. My prayers were answered when I finally managed to get a directional fix on him and raced off toward the sound, which was now becoming louder and louder as I got nearer and nearer.

Then when I thought I must be right on top of it, a bicycle sped past me being ridden at speed by a woman and in the basket on the front of her bike, with his head sticking out of a plastic bag, was a very frightened looking Fred, meowing at the top of his voice.

Now I had sight of her I took off like a rocket chasing after the speeding bike, which was slowly pulling away from me as she peddled faster and faster. I knew that if she managed to leave me behind, then I would eventually lose her and if that happened, I would also lose my son. Spurred on by the thought that this might be the last time I would ever see him again, I raced after the bike which had just turned the corner. That was when I heard a resounding crash and a scream of anguish. Seconds later I arrived on the scene to find the bike lying on its side with both the handle bars skew-whiff and the wheels spinning like mad. The woman who had been riding the bicycle was still entangled in the wreckage and moaning in pain. Ignoring her, I raced around the front to find the plastic bag still in the front pannier with Fred still inside it and crying loudly. As soon as I freed him from the plastic bag, I turned and was about to leave the scene with Fred close behind me, when I caught site of my friend Walter lying in the road beside the upturned bicycle. He wasn’t moving. Turning to Fred I said, “Wait over there by the side of the road and do not move. If this woman manages to free herself, do anything; but don’t let her pick you up; I won’t be long”.

Cautiously I approached the body of Walter and could see that he was badly hurt; however the good news was, he was still breathing. When he saw me he tried to sit up. Then through a pain-wracked smile, he said, “Is Fred alright”? I looked at him and with tears welling up in my eyes, I asked him what had happened. He said that he was on his way to have a chat with the animals at the circus when this mad woman came racing around the corner with your little boy crying for help inside a plastic bag on the front pannier of her bike. I knew that I didn’t have much time to do anything meaningful and so I just closed my eyes and ran in front of her. She tried to avoid me and in doing so fell off the bike, but unfortunately not before running over me”. Then seeing the look on my face he said, “Don’t worry KK, I will be alright. Remember my owner can afford the vet bills and at least you have got your boy back”.

What a friend and what a hero. He had risked his own life in order to save my son Fred and I knew from that moment, I would forever be in his debt.

Then I got mad, as I thought how this stupid woman had tried to steal my son and in doing so had seriously injured my friend. She was now sitting up and nursing her left ankle and gaining sympathy from a few people who had gathered around to try to help her. Ignoring them, I gave her trapped leg a liberal smelly squirt, then seeing that she also had groceries in the pannier of her bicycle; I coated all of her packages with a seriously strong shot. If I had been able to inflict more humiliation on her I would have done so; however, several people were now on the scene, including one man who was stroking Walter as he began tapping numbers into his mobile phone.

I hurried over to where Fred was waiting. He was still shaking from fear; but the look on his face said everything and I must admit, seeing him like this, scared the hell out of me.

“Come on”, I said, “We need to be getting off home”. I turned to leave just as the man with the mobile phone lifted Walter off the ground and placed him onto the front seat of his car.

KKING KKAT REMINICING PART 18

I didn’t sleep too well with having to listen to George snoring like a pig all night; however, Fred slept sound as a log and only awoke when daylight filtered in through the kitchen window. He stretched himself and through a gaping yawn asked me what we were going to be doing for the rest of the day. I told him that I planned to take him to the circus, which left a blank expression on his face, until I told him what a circus was and then his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.

The first thing a cat must do upon waking following a sound sleep is to go into the garden for the ritual constitution; however, getting in and out of the cat flap was still proving to be quite a challenge for little Fred, who was struggling to come to terms with the technique needed to get his head at the right angle in order to begin the process. Therefore, with me pressing my paw onto the Perspex window to ease the opening pressure, he thrust his head forward and with a distinct kick from his back legs, he disappeared through the flap and into the garden. I could see that he would soon master the art of getting in and out and I reckoned that he would be able to do it all by himself in a couple of weeks time.

After we had finished watering and fertilising the garden, we came back in doors and immediately got stuck into what was left of a take away that George and his mates had left behind from yesterday’s celebrations.

Finally with breakfast and the daily constitutional out of the way, we left the house to the sound of George still snoring like a hog from the living room and headed toward the piece of wasteland at the back of Tesco’s, where the circus had been located. Because it was early morning and the first performance wasn’t due to start until early afternoon; all of the animals were still housed in their cages.

I told Fred that we would begin our tour by talking to the lion called Goliath who was housed in the end cage. Because Goliath was an old friend and could be relied upon to bring me up-to-date on what was happening out there in the big bad world, I always started with him.

When we reached the cage, Goliath, who was crouched on the floor of the gage gnawing his way through a giant sized bone, turned and seeing us raised himself up and wandered over to the bars. As soon as Fred saw him get up, his jaw dropped and he disappeared behind me trying to hide under my tail. I smiled as the big lion seeing the frightened look on Fred’s face, told him that he should not be afraid; because, at the end of the day he was only a much bigger version of little Fred. However, Fred with his eyes sticking out on stalks, stayed firmly hidden behind me.

I had only just finished talking with Goliath and turned to tell Fred that we would now move on to say hello to the elephants, when my heart stopped beating. Fred was nowhere to be seen; he had completely disappeared. Goliath, seeing my concern as I frantically called out to my son, let out a huge roar, which was answered almost immediately by one of the leopards in a cage further down the row. Goliath called over to me. “Casper the leopard says he saw a woman riding on a bike, bend down and pick him up whilst we were talking and put him into a Tesco plastic bag in her pannier. She went that way”, he said indicating the direction with a nod of his huge head.

Thanking him, I set off at a fast trot, with all sensors on full alert, searching for the mysterious lady riding a bicycle with my son inside a plastic bag on the front of it. As the panic continued to build inside me, I remember thinking that Patsy would kill me when she found out that I had managed to lose our son on his very first day out.

KKING KKAT NEW YEAR 2011

Now that I had all of the details, I finally updated Fred with the latest information on the whereabouts of his sisters, Durdanah, Farzana, Lala and Nasrin. He was already aware that Durdanah was staying with her mum and that Lala had gone to live with Zoe Bracey; however until I managed to catch up with Patsy, he didn’t know that Farzana and Nasrin had gone to live with Liz Rowe; which meant that they would all be close by and as such, it wasn’t all bad news.

“That’s great”, said Fred, knowing that he would still be able to see his sisters. I smiled, understanding the importance of strong family bonds when one is young. When I was a tiny kitten, I, like all of my siblings, were quickly moved on; and as such I never really got to know any of them properly. I didn’t want that to be the case for my son Fred; so I said, “Come on, let’s go out for a widdle and then we can pop round and see how everyone is getting on”.

First stop was Liz Rowe’s, where we found Farzana and Nasrin skipping around in the garden under the watchful eye of Gladys, who, even though it was quite a cold day, was stretched out on the lawn. As soon as they saw us coming, they shot across to meet us, bundling Fred over in an excited moment of childish playful excitement.

I wandered over to Gladys, giving her nose a quick rub. She seemed very contented and had obviously settled into her new role of being a foster mum. She told me that the girls had adapted quickly to their new environment and were very happy, as their mum Patsy and Durdanah had already called round three times this week to say hello.

We stayed for a further thirty minutes, with Gladys giving me the low down on how she was handling the new additions to her family, when Liz called them all inside for a spot of lunch.

After promising to return soon, we left and moved on to Zoe’s place to see Lala.

This time, when we arrived, Lala was receiving a good wash and brush up from Bubbles, who was obviously taking her foster role very serious. However, when Lala saw us turn the corner, she left bubbles in mid lick and came bouncing over.

Whilst the two kids romped around the garden, Bubbles told me that having Lala was making up for a lost opportunity and she was loving every moment of it. I said it was a shame that her and Moses had been spayed, as they would have made a fine partnership and any future kids would surely have been something else. The crestfallen look on her face made me realise that I had hit a raw nerve and should have been more tactful. However, she simply smiled and said she would make up for it by bringing up Lala like she was her own and the good news was, Lala was already a big hit with her boyfriend Moses.

After saying our farewells, we left and made our way home to find George and his three mates already into the booze and preparing themselves to welcome in the New Year by getting themselves get drunk as quickly as was humanly possible.

Luckily for us, George had remembered to put out some food; because by the evening, all four of them were much the worst for wear, as they prepared to welcome in the New Year.

Fred seemed puzzled by the whole charade, until I explained to him about the human fascination with celebrating the beginning of a new year. As far as we cats are concerned life is not measured by time and date, only by events such as eating, sleeping and adapting to circumstances as they happen: therefore, time as a fixed discipline, is immaterial to us. I explained to him that as far as George was concerned, he felt he owed it to the Gods to get himself as blind drunk as possible on New Year’s Eve, in order to ensure his immortal placing amongst the Great losers in Plonker history. I must admit by the look of him, he was definitely succeeding. I told Fred that sleep might be a problem for us tonight, at least until the small hours, when hopefully they would all be so drunk that they would all just fall asleep.

As it turned out George’s three mates decided that enough was enough a little after one o’clock in the morning and boisterously fell into a waiting taxi, but not before Fred and I managed to get a good squirt onto the wobbling legs of all three of them.

Once the taxi had left, George came back indoors and after bouncing off the living room door, he immediately crashed out on the sofa and began snoring like a Pavarotti Frog with a bad cold.

Realising that George would not be going anywhere for quite some time, we settled into our basket. I barely had time to say goodnight to Fred; before he suddenly closed his eyes and went straight off to sleep, just as I was going to tell him what I had planned for tomorrow.

KKING KKAT CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

It was a little after midnight when my son Fred woke up for the first time. He kept on prodding me with his paw until I lazily opened one eye and asked him what the problem was.

“Has he been yet” he squeaked excitedly?

Has who been”, I said, trying hard not to laugh. Fred shuffled about and said, “Durdanah says that on the night before Christmas, a man called Santa Claus comes flying out of the sky, riding on a huge wooden sleigh, pulled along by nine reindeers. She says that the reindeer who leads the team is called Rudolph and he has a big red nose which he uses to light the way”.

“That sounds like George’s mate Jules, when he’s been on the lager”, I said.

“What’s Lager”, asked Fred, inquisitively. However before I could answer he said, “Santa Clause wears a big red suit and big black willies; has a white fluffy beard and goes around giving presents to all the kids on Christmas Eve, including human ones. I interrupted him and said, “I think you mean wellies not willies; willies are something quite different”. Before I could enlighten him further, he said, “I‘ve already had a good look around; but I can’t see any presents”. Then he said nervously, “Do you think that he might not come to me; because, Durdanah says that he doesn’t come to kids who have not been good and I am not sure where I stand on that one”. I said that I was sure that Santa wouldn’t punish him for accidently peeing in George’s slippers last weekend; therefore, he should go back to sleep and see what tomorrow morning brings.

When he had finally drifted off to sleep, I lay there thinking just how important it was for kids to believe in Santa Clause. Christmas was a lifeline into a fantasy world of fun and expectation and could bring a much welcome diversion from the everyday toils and perils of growing up.

I had already decided how I was going to surprise Fred when he awoke. I was going to sneak out of the house around 4AM and pop into the garden shed, collect a few fresh spiders and whilst Fred was still sleeping, tuck them under his blanket before he woke up. This year had been a bumper one for spiders and there were some real fat juicy ones in that shed. Satisfied that everything was going according to plan; I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

When I next awoke, Fred was prodding me and screaming, “Dad, Dad, wake up; wake up”.

My spirits hit the floor when I realised that it was well past 6 o’clock and I had overslept, missing the deadline to get the spiders. Of all the days for my inbuilt alarm clock to fail and it had to be today. I was just about to say something to Fred, when he looked at me and with eyes as round as saucer’s, said excitedly, “He’s been dad; Santa came whilst I was asleep and look what he left me. I was numbed into silence as Fred pulled back the blanket to reveal three of the fattest and juiciest spiders I have ever seen and they were all trussed up like Christmas Turkey’s.

Now it was my turn to be humbled as I sat and stared in disbelief at the three spiders. Fred was beaming from ear to ear as he stared at his Christmas gift. Then he said “Come on Dad, let’s get stuck in; these spiders will make a tasty starter before Uncle George puts our breakfast down”.

Fred managed to eat two of the big fat spiders, before he said that he would pop if he had any more and so I finished off the third one for him.

Half an hour later, we went into the garden to find Patsy and Durdanah standing there waiting for us. The two kids immediately began a fluff fight, with Fred telling Durdanah about the present that Santa had left him and her squealing with delight, as she told him that she too had received three fresh spiders from Santa.

After rubbing noses with Patsy, I smiled and said that I couldn’t believe it when I woke up to find those spiders”.

“A child’s wish for Christmas and the magic of Santa Claus is all that it takes KK”, she said smiling. However, behind that smile, I had a sneaking suspicion that she knew more about the origin of those spiders, than she was prepared to tell me.

When we went back indoors, George was standing in the kitchen, still wearing his pyjamas. He had a curry stained Santa hat perched on top of his head and was in the process of opening a tin of salmon, when he turned toward me and said, “Ddon’t tthink you will be getting this every dday Kking Kkat; because you wwon’t”. Then he shared the tin evenly between Fred and me, before scratching his backside like a bear with flees and wandered through into the living room carrying a mug of tea.

I shouted after him, “Merry Christmas George”; but he didn’t respond. I smiled and said to Fred, “How about that; ‘Spiders and Salmon’ and it’s not even lunch time. Now this is what I call Christmas”.

KKING KKAT REMINICING PART 17

I think that the blog must be attracting quite a bit of interest, because a Tom who comes from the outback in Australia, contacted me yesterday, asking if I could supply him with a photograph of the big Sheila who had recently had my kittens. He said he liked the biguns the best; especially if they could handle a bit of rough. He enclosed a photograph of himself and now I know what he means. This cat looked as if he hadn’t been through the car wash in months. He was covered in grime and battle scars, scars that could only have come from fighting with something much bigger than your average moggie.

I thought about what he had said and decided that next time I go round to Patsy’s, I’ll show her the photo. You never know, like the Aussie said, she might like a bit of rough.

Well I got that one wrong; when she saw the picture, she said that he was hideous and calling her a ‘Big Sheila’ did not enhance his reputation as a would be Casanova one little bit.

That was when I said, “Talking about Casanova, you should be coming on heat soon. I can’t wait”.

She blushed and said that I would have to be waiting a very long time, as her owner had taken her to the vet to be sterilised a couple of days ago.

I don’t cry very often; because, it’s not in my make up; but that remark caused my eyes to visibly water over. How could the woman be so cruel? With my high testosterone levels, me and old Patsy could have been churning them out for ages to come and who knows one day I might have held the world record. Now I really hated that woman and was determined that if I could get close enough, I was going to give her a really smelly squirt.

The opportunity to wreak my revenge came sooner than I had anticipated. I was watching Coronation Street on the telly when there was a knock on our door. George managed to do a wonderful rendition of a carpenter missing the nail and hitting his thumb with the hammer, before going to answer it, with me following close behind him.

When he opened it, I almost stopped breathing. Looming in the doorframe was the dragon lady herself, holding a cardboard box, which she thrust into George’s hand, saying that this was now his problem as it was his cat that had caused the upset in the first place. Before George could respond, she turned on her heel and walked away; but not before I got off a real hummy one down the back of her stocking.

After George closed the door, he placed the box on the floor and lifted off the lid. Inside was my son Fred, who looked up and seeing me peering over the box said, “Hi Dad, it looks like I am moving in”.

George was furious and spent the next hour swearing his head off. Fred was amazed, as he had never previously heard such language. I told him that if he was going to stay here, then he had better get used to it; because, that is the only vocabulary George ever uses.

Then George rounded on me, “Well Kking Kkat, if you think you are going to be sitting on your butt all day whilst I look after the kid, you have another think coming. You will look after him until I can find a suitable home for him. Is that understood”?

I meowed to let him know I had understood the message and then leaned over the box and using his scruff, I lifted Fred out and placed him on the kitchen floor.

Following a few more expletives, George stormed out of the room and disappeared into the living room, slamming the door. I turned to face Fred and said, “It’s important that we get things off to a good start Son. I will make sure that you have plenty to eat and drink and you must make sure that when you need to take a leak, you will let me know and I will show you where you can safely go to do it without out incurring the wrath of Satan.

He smiled at me and said that mum had trained him how to pee properly and other than a couple of early mistakes, he was now ‘Pee Perfect’.

I said that was brilliant and couldn’t have come at a better time; because George would go mental if he left wet patches all over the house.

KKING KKAT REMINICING PART 16

George had just left for work and I was out in the garden spraying my favourite bush when Walter came bounding over and said, “Hi KK, are you coming round to meet the new Black Dynamo? The girls are already there and Bubbles Bracey, as you would expect, is over doing it with the wiggly walk and has her tail sticking up in the air like a walking stick.

His owner brought him in doors about an hour ago in what appeared to me to be a dog carrier; so I expect he will soon be out and about”.

I smiled at Walter; his enthusiasm seemingly endless when it came to anything new happening in the street and so following close behind him, we went out of the garden and up to number 26.

When we arrived, there must have been six or seven cats already gathered and waiting to say hello, including my mother who had obviously been grooming herself. She was chatting none stop to Gladys, whilst Bubbles Bracey was parading around like a film star waiting for the Director to give her a kiss. I remember saying to Walter that I hoped that the Big Boy measures up to her expectations.

We had all been hanging around for fifteen minutes or so, before the front door to number 26 opened and the biggest pussy cat I have ever seen in my life came out to a round of cheers from all of the street moggies. He was at least three times the size of your average cat with jet black well groomed fur and the largest and deepest of emerald green eyes. Even I had to admit that this was some pussy cat.

He seemed surprised by the warm welcome he was receiving and appeared embarrassed by this outward show of affection by so many cats that he had previously never seen before. Naturally Walter was first to step forward and welcome him to the street and then true to form, he began introducing him to everyone. When he came to Bubbles she was practically fainting with desire and none of this was lost on the big boy who leaned down and rubbed noses with her. Well I thought, that’s got off to a good start; however, what a shame that both of them had been neutered; they would have made a fine breeding pair and judging by the look on bubbles’ love lost face; that would probably be all they would have be doing for most of every day.

When Walter finally got to me, he introduced me and said “Moses, this is Kking Kkat the only Tom in the street”. He smiled and from that smile I could see that he was genuinely friendly. He said that he was pleased to meet me and I returned the compliment. Then noticing the scars on my body, he said that they looked pretty raw and must hurt like hell. I gave him a quick brief on what had gone on with the big ginger. He was sympathetic and said that he too was once a Tom; the biggest Tom in the area and like me defended it against all comers. He said one day a really big feral cat had challenged him for control of his territory and following the inevitable fight the feral cat had suffered horrendous injuries and had died as a result. He said that after the fight was over, his owner blew his top and after burying the feral cat, he took him straight round to the vets to have the operation. He then said that being neutered did have a good side; because now he was less aggressive and a much easier moggie to get along with.

I wasn’t so sure about that last statement; because, my plumbs were important to me and if I hadn’t had them, then Persian Patsy would not have been able to give birth to the kids and that would not have been fair. However, I can see how a Tom cat the size of Moses could spoil your day if you got on the wrong side of him.

After half an hour, Walter and I left the gathering, with all of the females still trying to outdo each other for his attention and to be honest, he was lapping it up.

On the way back home I told Walter that I really liked Moses. He was definitely the ‘Gentle Giant’ and there was one thing for sure; Moses was a name that fitted him perfectly. However, thank the Lord he had been fixed.

KKING KKAT REMINICING PART 15

As you all know, my good friend Walter is the street’s ‘Know it All’ and he has just been round to inform me that number Twenty Six, which used to be George’s mum’s old place, has been re-rented out by the council and a family are moving in tomorrow. He told me that the new people have a couple of pets and one of them is a cat. However, according to Walter this is no ordinary cat; he is a jet black ‘Maine Coon’ and is the size of three of any of us rolled into one. I must admit, until Walter told me that this cat had been neutered I was a very worried pussy cat. However, because he has been fixed, then size or no size, he wasn’t going to want to challenge me for control of the street and after the fight with ‘Big Ginger’, that was a real God send; because even though several weeks had now passed by since the brawl, I was still nursing the battle scars from that fierce encounter.

Then Walter said that all of the moggies were going round to welcome him to the street tomorrow; especially the girls. Bubbles Bracey recons he must be something special, because he is all black and the size of a house, which according to Walter is not so unusual in a Maine Coon. Walter told Bubbles that she should take the silly love lost look of her face; because he had been neutered. She told him that dreaming never hurt anyone and he should not to be so cruel’.

Walter then said to me; “Mind you, Bubbles is a bit of a looker and that might just turn his head”.

“That’s all it will be turning”, I said and we both had a good laugh.

Walter had been gone for less than twenty minutes, when he was back. “KK, I’ve just been down to the waste land at the back of Tesco’s and a team of riggers are erecting a big circus tent”.

I like it when the circus is in town, because I can go and have a catch up with some of the animals that perform in it and find out what has been going on in other parts of the country. Last year, when the circus came to our place, I got talking to one of the old male Lyons called Goliath, who said that he was getting fed up with having to keep jumping on and off upturned barrels, whilst an idiot in a red suit spent the entire performance cracking a whip at him. He reckoned that one day he was going to change the script, by taking the whip off the man and shoving it up his jacksie.

I do feel sorry for circus animals having to go through the same old boring routine day after day. I’m sure that if they were given a choice, they would prefer to take their chances in the wild with the rest of their kind. However, whilst people like George keep paying to see these pointless spectacles, then circus owners will always manage to find the animals needed to do the performing.

After Walter had gone for the second time that day, I went back indoors, just as George came in from work. His new styled haircut now resembled a giant sized toothbrush head that had been used to clean a brick wall with. It was all over the place, or should I say what little of it still remained, was all over the place. The original style would have looked quite impressive on a six foot Mohican Indian; however, sadly on George, it made him look like he was seriously in need of psychiatric referral. Mind you, that is George and he really is such a plonker.

I was in the kitchen, making strong protest noises beside my empty food bowl, when George brushed past me, depositing a very loud gaseous outburst from his rear end directly over my head and then fell about laughing like a demented hyena. He really should consider leaving his brain to science when he dies, or maybe just hand it in now; because he obviously doesn’t have any real use for it.

Later that evening after watching Coronation Street, George trawled through the channels and decided to watch ‘One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest’. I couldn’t help myself, I had to watch it again and I must admit that in a strange sort of way it was a very funny film. If it had been made today, I know that George would have been offered a starring role.